:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/Cycle-of-abuse-5210940_final-46be509b93c34a148526ca3b4a68a514.jpg)
Domestic violence can take many forms, from physical to emotional abuse. Abusers control through fear, intimidation, humiliation, and manipulation. The cycle of abuse describes a common four-part pattern that helps identify repeated behaviors within an abusive relationship. This pattern is not seen in all abusive relationships. However, when present, the cycle allows the abuser to continually maintain control and dominance over their partner.
The cycle of abuse theory originated as a way to help explain battered woman syndrome (BWS), a subcategory of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). BWS is used to describe women who have been repeatedly abused by their partners.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, roughly one in four women and one in 10 men have experienced domestic violence from their partners at some point in their life. Roughly 43 million women and 38 million men have also experienced psychological aggression in intimate relationships.
The cycle of abuse is split into four stages to help people recognize common patterns and reasons why it may be difficult for the person experiencing the abuse to leave their situation.
The concept of abuse cycles began during the 1970s when psychologist Lenore Walker wrote “The Battered Woman.” The book itself detailed women who had experienced ongoing abuse. While the cycle helps identify abuse in relationships, not all experiences are so cut and dried. The four stages include:
During the tension stage, external stressors (e.g., financial problems, issues at work, etc.) begin to build for the abuser. Anger grows due to a feeling of loss of control.
During this stage, the abused partner tends to try to find ways to ease the tension to prevent an abusive episode from occurring. It is typical for the person at risk to feel anxious, overly alert, or to “walk on eggshells” around their partner in the hope that they won't do anything to "set their partner off." Some indicators of tension-building behavior include:
Eventually, the built-up tension has to be released by the abuser to help them feel as though they have power and control again. They will then begin to engage in abusive behaviors such as:
The reconciliation period occurs when some time has passed after the incident and the tension begins to decrease. In many cases, the person who committed the abuse will try to make things right by offering gifts and being overly kind and loving. The reconciliation period is often referred to as a "honeymoon stage" because it mimics the beginning of a relationship when people are on their best behavior.
When the person who experienced the abuse is in this phase, the extra love and kindness from their partner triggers a reaction in their brain that releases the feel-good love hormones dopamine and oxytocin. This release of hormones makes them feel closer to their partner and as if things are back to normal.
The cyclical pattern of abuse followed by positive reinforcement can lead to trauma bonding, a condition similar to Stockholm Syndrome but less extreme. Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment to a person who causes emotional, physical, and/or sexual harm.
During the calm stage, justifications or explanations are made to help both partners excuse the abuse. For example, an abusive partner might say they’re sorry but blame the abuse on outside factors such as their boss or work life to justify their actions.
The abuser may also deny that the abuse occurred or minimize its seriousness. In some cases, the abuser may state or imply that the abused partner was at fault for the incident. However, in most cases, the abuser will show remorse and promise that the abuse won’t happen again. They will attempt to be more loving and understanding of their partner's needs and feelings.
Because of their convincing nature, their partner may come to believe that the incident wasn’t that bad, which helps to further relieve the tension surrounding it. Ultimately, the abuser may convince their partner that their abusive behavior is a thing of the past.
While the model of the cycle of abuse has its merits, these patterns don't occur in all abusive relationships. Experience with domestic abuse can vary widely from relationship to relationship.
Abuse can come in many forms in a relationship. Not all abusive partners will engage in all forms of abusive behavior, but each category counts as a type and form of abuse.
Emotional abuse, also known as mental mistreatment, is a form of abuse that makes the abused partner feel mentally or emotionally hurt or damaged. This abuse intends to gain power and control by forcibly changing someone's emotional state.
Some common examples of emotional abuse include:
Physical violence produces pain and injury. Some examples of physical abuse include:
Sexual abuse is another form of abuse that could fall into the physical category. It involves any act of sexual contact that a person suffers, submits to, participates in, or performs as a result of force or violence, threats, fear, or deception or without having legally consented to the act.
Verbal abuse isn’t as straightforward as other forms of abuse. While verbal abuse can be hard to identify, there are various types to be aware of:
Verbal and emotional abuse often overlap.
It can be difficult to determine if someone is being abused in their relationship unless it is witnessed first-hand. However, some signs can indicate abuse is occurring. They include:
In some cases, people who are experiencing abuse, specifically emotional, aren’t aware that it’s happening. Some signs that you may be emotionally abused by your partner include:
The first step in breaking the cycle of abuse is to acknowledge that there is one. Often, a partner’s abusive behaviors are viewed as isolated incidents instead of a repetitive pattern. Reconciliation and calm periods are believed to be the abuser at their most authentic self. While it can be difficult to change this thinking, it's key to recognize that by participating in these stages the abuser is effectively regaining control over their partner.
There are many resources available on The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence’s website for both men and women seeking a way out. No one should have to suffer in silence. For anyone stuck in a cycle of abuse, ask for help from friends, family, a therapist, and a lawyer.
Sometimes it can be difficult to see abuse from inside a relationship. The cycle of abuse is a four-stage pattern used to describe the way abuse often occurs. The stages—tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm—repeat themselves over and over again in abusive relationships that follow this pattern. Recognizing the warning signs is the first step to ending the cycle.
It's also important to remember that, while the cycle of abuse can be a good tool, people experience abuse in many different ways.
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
By Angelica Bottaro
Bottaro has a Bachelor of Science in Psychology and an Advanced Diploma in Journalism. She is based in Canada.
